16 Things You’ll Never Need To Remember About 2010

How can we not forget the special moments of 2010, the ones that only highlighted our conviction and integrity as Americans and as human beings? Here are just a few which made an indelible impression on me, but sadly I’ll have no room for in my long-term memory, so I’m giving them to you. Why 16? Who knows.

1.     Julia Roberts stars in a movie about a woman who quits her job and travels the world in search of great food, sex, and spirituality.  Doesn’t that describe what you did in 2010?

2.     National hysteria ensues over TSA screenings and alleged gropings, and for a brief moment we all forget about the recession and imagine what it would be like to be fondled by strangers.

3.     Lindsay Lohan spends the majority of the year in both prison and rehab. Someone please tell her it’s not January 2010.

4.     This year’s favorite recessionary food is frozen yogurt which means all those empty storefronts become something else besides a nail salon. For now.

5.     Vigilantes steal  iphones straight from the hands of innocent people who were checking email and facebook far too often. They are forced to use their imagination for the first time in over a decade.

6.     More national hysteria, this time over spoiled eggs. It keeps everyone distracted for three weeks which helps idle the time they spend waiting for the Employment Development Department to answer the phone.

7.     Oprah announces her retirement but not before launching an entire channel devoted to herself.

8.     Taylor Swift reveals her IQ by becoming offended at Kanye West’s lack of etiquette — only after someone tells her she should be.

9.      Someone really brilliant at the Gap comes up with the idea of changing their logo which not only causes massive snickering but also underscores the fact that they have no idea what to do with the brand anyway.

10.   Facebook reveals that it knows more about you than you know about yourself. The biggest revelations: you’re boring and you can’t spell.

11.    FOX’s Glee makes it safe to be gay and sing about it even if you’re not gay and can’t sing.

12.   Apple admits that the 4G phone doesn’t work because they have a bunch of ugly rubber gaskets they want to sell you.

13.   Sex and the City 2 makes women everywhere realize that they are demanding, scheming, selfish bitches who have no idea how to pack for a vacation. Oh wait – that’s me.

14.   Justin Bieber brings out the inner pedophile in ordinary adult men and women. To fans over age 20: you’re not only a sick pervert but you look ridiculous in that haircut.

15.   You realize you’re the only person on the planet without some random, meaningless tattoo, especially one with some Chinese character that means “Peace” or “Warrior.”

16. More men experiment with disgusting bits of facial hair in an effort to reveal how deep and soulful they are.

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